Guilt and Expectations: When we feel like we can’t measure up
Many people today are overloaded with and driven by guilt when they fail to please others. This can happen to friends who can’t say no, to an abused spouse, to a burned-out parent or employee, or to an adult child who can’t do enough to satisfy a parent.
In any event, a life filled with guilt over not measuring up is no way to live. It can drain us spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and leave us enslaved to the opinions of others. Ultimately, those opinions hinder us from living as the men and women God designed us to be.
Great expectations: personal, family and community
All of us live by expectations that are seldom expressed but always felt at some level. These include personal expectations, family expectations and community expectations. But feeling guilty over not measuring up can be harmful. They can lead to a number of destructive problems such as obsessive attempts to please, eating disorders, substance abuse, perfectionism, stress, and damaged relationships.
On a closer look, what’s truly going on inside our hearts as we work so hard to fulfil expectations could be one of two things: (1) a fearful heart, where the burden to please others is often a fear of disapproval or rejection; and/or (2) a hungry heart, where our deep hunger for acceptance and approval continues to long for attention.
Are we pleasing God or pleasing others?
Our real problem, however, is that we are staking our well-being on a god other than the God of the Bible. This ‘god’ is the person we need more than God Himself. Pleasing others for personal gain and protection instead of pleasing God is an example of trusting others for the kind of acceptance and approval that only God Himself provides.
In our own strength and with our own strategies to cope (such as denial) we may sometimes try to hide ourselves, fix ourselves or adapt ourselves in order to please someone. But under the influence of God’s truth and forgiveness, we have the freedom to exist, and to express our true feelings and our own opinions.
The freedom to say “no” at certain times
This includes the freedom to say “no” at times when we would be stretched beyond reasonable limits to the point where we become of no good to anyone. Of course, it would be wrong to say no out of an “I don’t care what people think” attitude. Paul wrote that we should never use our freedom to serve ourselves, but rather to “serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13).
That way, we can give of ourselves in ways that can radically affect the lives of others for the glory of God. The more we get a sweet taste of living out our true identity in Christ, the more we will be excited about the prospect of imitating God in our lives (Ephesians 5:1-2) and living out the freedom to exist as the man or woman God meant for us to be.
This article was adapted from the Discovery Series ‘When We Don’t Measure Up: Escaping The Grip of Guilt’ by Jeff Olson.
In any event, a life filled with guilt over not measuring up is no way to live. It can drain us spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and leave us enslaved to the opinions of others. Ultimately, those opinions hinder us from living as the men and women God designed us to be.
Great expectations: personal, family and community
All of us live by expectations that are seldom expressed but always felt at some level. These include personal expectations, family expectations and community expectations. But feeling guilty over not measuring up can be harmful. They can lead to a number of destructive problems such as obsessive attempts to please, eating disorders, substance abuse, perfectionism, stress, and damaged relationships.
On a closer look, what’s truly going on inside our hearts as we work so hard to fulfil expectations could be one of two things: (1) a fearful heart, where the burden to please others is often a fear of disapproval or rejection; and/or (2) a hungry heart, where our deep hunger for acceptance and approval continues to long for attention.
Are we pleasing God or pleasing others?
Our real problem, however, is that we are staking our well-being on a god other than the God of the Bible. This ‘god’ is the person we need more than God Himself. Pleasing others for personal gain and protection instead of pleasing God is an example of trusting others for the kind of acceptance and approval that only God Himself provides.
In our own strength and with our own strategies to cope (such as denial) we may sometimes try to hide ourselves, fix ourselves or adapt ourselves in order to please someone. But under the influence of God’s truth and forgiveness, we have the freedom to exist, and to express our true feelings and our own opinions.
The freedom to say “no” at certain times
This includes the freedom to say “no” at times when we would be stretched beyond reasonable limits to the point where we become of no good to anyone. Of course, it would be wrong to say no out of an “I don’t care what people think” attitude. Paul wrote that we should never use our freedom to serve ourselves, but rather to “serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13).
That way, we can give of ourselves in ways that can radically affect the lives of others for the glory of God. The more we get a sweet taste of living out our true identity in Christ, the more we will be excited about the prospect of imitating God in our lives (Ephesians 5:1-2) and living out the freedom to exist as the man or woman God meant for us to be.
This article was adapted from the Discovery Series ‘When We Don’t Measure Up: Escaping The Grip of Guilt’ by Jeff Olson.
7-Day Devotional on Guilt
We encourage you to follow the devotional plan below by clicking on the respective links each day:
