“When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions.” – Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act IV, Scene V
 
There has probably never been a time in history where loss has so brutally affected so many people. Over the Covid-19 pandemic, many who lost loved ones and could not be present by hospital bedsides, in wakes and at funerals have felt so breathtakingly isolated in their sorrow. Grief can feel so near, what with non-stop news and social channels 24/7; and comfort so out of reach, with movement control orders and quarantines.
 
Loss during the pandemic
 
An ODB colleague shared her experience of losing a friend, and how she remembered receiving the news of the passing. It was in the quiet of the night, broken only by her complete disbelief and wrecked sobs. Chill gripped her heart and numbness settled in her fingertips. Later, there was the funeral, live-streamed over Facebook, with her whispering goodbye over the screen.
 
If you lost someone during the pandemic, the loss might have felt even more crippling, compounded by the logistical challenges and restrictions. You may not even have been able to pay your last respects. You may not have had the chance to say goodbye. They could have been so near, but necessarily isolated from all. The grief that you feel might be more complex and layered, and it is ok to seek help and support.
 
So what really is grief?
 
Grief is the overwhelming emotion that comes with the pain of loss. It is a complex and painful process of dealing with losses we encounter throughout our lives. Everyone experiences grief at some point though we may each have our own unique journeys with it. 
 
The popular Kübler-Ross model for grief outlines five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While these emotions would likely be present in our process of grieving, it is unlikely to be linear. In fact, it is common for us to bounce from one stage to the other, to feel that we are better and overcoming, only to suddenly find that we are in the trenches once again. The normal progression of grief is really that there isn’t a normal progression at all. 
 
Another analogy to make sense of grief was shared a few years ago on Twitter by Lauren Herschel. She had learned this analogy from her doctor while she was dealing with the loss of her mother:
 
The Ball and The Box
 
Grief can be like a ball in a box. In this box, there is a pain button. In the beginning, the ball is huge. It is constantly hitting the pain button and always triggering it. Over time, the ball gets smaller. It still hits the pain button, but there is more time to recover in between and we can even anticipate it, breathing through the pain better. 
 
However, the ball and the button never really go away. And that’s why we don’t really ‘get over’ the loss of something or someone profound and irreplaceably important to us. We can, however, learn to live with the loss and find hope and joy even in these painful circumstances. 
 
Finding hope
 
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4 (NIV)
 
The bible verse above talks about walking through the darkest valley, and in another translation, refers to it as the ‘valley of the shadow of death’. King David, the author of this Psalm, is no stranger to loss and tragedy. And yet as he recounts his life, he proclaims God’s enduring presence and goodness in all of his days.
 
It may be hard to feel hopeful in the midst of our grief, it can even feel vulgar to think about being joyful. But moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. We can let go and learn to live with our grief and still honour and respect the memory of our loss.

In the Discovery Series, Life After Loss, counsellor Tim Jackson shares more about grieving with hope and leaning into the Creator and each other for comfort and hope.